Pride and Prejudice

Have you ever seen the movie "Pride and Prejudice"?. I mean the A & E version with Collin Firth? If you have then you might be able to relate to what I'm going to write about. For years I have thought that I came from a very good, very normal family. I thought that my wife came from a very dis-functional family. It was very easy for me to lay the blame for all of our problems on her because of the way she was brought up i.e. an alcoholic mother who was also manic depressive and possibly bi-polar as well. Life was easier to manage thinking that she was the one with the problem and I was there to save her.

With the counseling sessions we've been going through and the books I've been reading I've come to realize that while there weren't a lot of "fights" in my family, we held a lot of things in and didn't talk about them with each other. It was easier to deal with them that way. I don't remember having any fights or major arguments with my parents, but I do remember a lot of guilt trips being laid on me when I didn't want to do what they wanted. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to do a lot of the things they suggested anyway. I was very active in church, active in school and had several friends. I was a bit shy around people I didn't know but was able to make friends quickly. I had a bit of an acne problem in high school. My younger sister used to call me "popazit". My older brother had it worse than me. I thought I would never get over it. But I eventually did. Anyway, back to my story.

I thought that the way we dealt with things was normal as it avoided contention in our home. What it really did was stifle any real emotions we might have had. I developed a "Mr. Spock" attitude. Nothing bothered me and nothing could hurt me if I didn't show any emotions. While I was dating my future wife I wasn't like that. I was happy. I felt free to express who I really was. We had fun together, fell in love and eventually got married. What I didn't realize that I was bringing all this baggage with me. I kept things in and didn't share the things that were bothering me, because I still felt like if I didn't rock the boat it wouldn't tip over.

We had some very rough sailing for a long time, and still go through a lot of rough waters. I'm learning to share a bit more. I still don't like conflict but realize that there will be some from time to time. If there isn't any conflict there isn't much communication. People always have different ideas and ways of thinking. While there isn't always just one right answer, my answer isn't always the best one and I have to be able to accept that sometimes. Just because things don't always go my way doesn't mean I have lost the argument. I have come to find out that my wife has some good ideas too, and most of the time her way works out better than mine.

So how does this relate to Pride and Prejudice? I think that over the years I felt proud of myself for not stooping down to the level of being angry all the time. My way was superior and that made me better than my wife. I was unwilling to accept the premise that I might be wrong. Because of that I have missed out on so many great moments in our life. I have hurt her in ways I can't even imagine because of my insensitivity and neglect. I haven't been there for her or let her explore the things she really wants to do. My pride wouldn't let me admit I was wrong.

However, like Mr. Darcy in the movie, I am coming around. It is going to take some time but I want to win her love again, to have her trust me and want to be with me. My hope is that by reading the books and applying the principles I find in there that we can have the happy marriage that we've always dreamed of having and that we can both find fulfillment in each other.