This is going to be a little hard to explain but let me try. My wife and I are part of a community chorus, or at least we were, she was, or maybe it's just me now. She, along with several other members, got upset a couple of weeks ago when our conductor made some rude comments about our entire chorus, to us, during one of our last rehearsals. They were definitely uncalled for and made several of the older members uncomfortable and convinced a couple of the newer members to leave. My wife vowed that unless he came to her personally and apologized she would never go back to that chorus. We're pretty sure he will never do that so they have lost a very good singer.
While I was offended at his comments I was intent on going back because I have friends in the chorus and we had worked hard on these particular pieces of music and I wanted to follow through. Last week we had our final dress rehearsals before the performance and I missed the first one. During that rehearsal our conductor kind of apologized for his comments of the week before, but I wasn't there because my wife was upset that night and while I wanted to go, I ended up staying home with her, talking with her, and trying to be supportive.
I've been reading in a book by Gary Smalley, "If Only He Knew", and there was a part in there about being supportive of your wife, especially when she's hurting, and giving up some of the things you would rather do and spend time with her. I really wanted to go to the rehearsal, but decided to stay home. I did go to the final rehearsal two days later and performed with the group the following two evenings. We still managed to spend a little time together on Saturday.
Now I did something during that time that she didn't like. I received a phone call on that Thursday asking if I would come and help set up the risers for the rehearsal and the concert, and to be there around 5:30 p.m. Knowing that my wife was going grocery shopping right after work I figured that wouldn't be such a big deal. I heard about it a few days later as she was bringing up things that I had done wrong lately. Sometimes it seems like that list goes on and on. I was home around 6 p.m. and didn't see a problem with it. Bear with me because maybe you'll see a pattern it what I do.
A couple of weeks earlier I was asked by someone at church to help her boys understand the process of filling out the Eagle Scout Application for their rank advancement. It's not something that's hard but these boys need some help. I figured it would take about a half an hour on a Wednesday night before their troop meeting and I would be home shortly after that. I didn't consult with my wife to ask her if it would mess up her plans or not.
A couple of months ago I was asked by someone at church to help out with a dinner that we are going to be having this weekend. I asked about the time commitment and he said it would mainly be one committee meeting and then help set up for the event. OK, that won't take much time so I said I would do it. I didn't consult with my wife to ask her if it would mess up her plans or not.
Perhaps now you see where this is going. Here's what I don't understand. Why do I have to get her approval or permission whenever I'm asked to do something for someone else? The other night when we were arguing about this I said, "So basically what you're saying is that I need to ask your permission before I volunteer to help anybody?" She said, "Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying".
A little background might come in handy about now. I have a job where I am at work during the day, and am required to be at work on Monday nights, Saturday mornings, and then I also set appointments for Wednesday and Thursday evenings when possible, have an early morning networking group I meet with twice a month, and the chorus every Tuesday night. During those evenings and weekends when she's home alone she gets lonely. Because we don't have a lot of money right now she also feels she can't do the things she wants to do. And by the way, she works full time at an accounting office and right now is tax time. She's working 6 days a week right now, on up through April 15th. She has had to work most of the time we've been married. She doesn't want to work and has said on multiple occasions (almost daily) that she just can't take it any more. I understand her needs and desires to get our of work. I am supposed to be the provider in our home and I haven't done a very good job so far. I have been so caught up in my life that I often don't have as much, or any time, for anything else in my life, even though I feel like I'm doing all I can for my wife too.
So back to my lack of understanding. I feel that if I have to run everything by my wife before I can commit to anything that I'm giving up a big part of myself. I enjoy helping other people. I enjoy doing things. When I'm home I'm looking for things to do. As much as she would tell you differently I don't want to sit in front of the TV all day. I want to be active. I want to be with people. She says that I do this stuff to be seen as the good guy by other people and that I'm just like my father. He enjoyed helping other people and so do I. However, she thinks that I do it at the expense of not doing things for my own family, that we take second, or even third place. There are things that I haven't gotten done at our house yet, but that's because those things cost money and take more careful planning. I am working on getting those things done soon.
She has been so tired and depressed all she does when she comes home is go to bed after dinner or watch TV. Yes, she makes dinner, and some of the laundry, but I have also taken on a lot of those tasks. I clean the house, do the laundry, and help out with a variety of other tasks. But she doesn't see it, most of the time.
As I'm writing this I'm beginning to see where she's coming from. She feels like I don't recognize the things she does either, and she wants to be valued as a person. She wants me to spend time with her but she is angry and doesn't want to show affection and those feelings are in conflict with one another.
I am working on just listening to her and trying to respond to her needs, not to give advice, but to listen and to try and understand. I know it's going to take some time. Pardon my rambling but sometimes I have to do this to help me get my thoughts together.
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