Expectations

During our counseling session last week we were given some homework. We were given a list of expectations that we have of our spouse and asked to rank them in order of their importance to us. Last night we sat down and went through the list and compared them to each other and then talked about it for a while. Keep in mind these are what we feel are important, not necessarily what we are doing right now. The task is to review this often and try to meet those expectations of our spouse. Here are our results:

Her Expectations of Me
(In order of importance to her)

He communicates effectively with me by both talking and listening
He completes tasks he starts or agrees to do
He shows the same kind of personal interest in me as when we were dating
He helps me attain my spiritual needs

He helps me attain sexual satisfaction in our relationship
He often spends time alone with me without interruptions or distractions.
He expresses affection by touch without sexual overtones
He encourages rather than discourages my individual endeavors

He periodically fixes dinner or dines out with me to give me a break from domestic routines
He is concerned about my changing intellectual, emotional, social and physical needs

He comes home at the time indicated or notifies me well in advance

He gives genuine help around the house without being asked and without complaining (Keeps the yard looking nice)

He puts away his own things without expecting me to pick up after him

He brings me unexpected gifts, flowers or cards and sometimes writes a note attached to the gift

He understands how new clothes and physical appearance affect my self-esteem

He frequently compliments me

He has concern and interest in my day and activities

I haven’t asked her to grade me on my performance in each of these areas but I think it would be pretty low. I always thought of myself as a pretty easy going guy. Nothing seems to bother me so much that I would get out and do something about it until it really started bugging me. That’s part of my problem. In spite of what I think I’m doing well it’s usually not taking into account how she feels about it.

Now obviously there are always exceptions. For instance, when we bought our present house Karen wanted to get the kitchen redone, even before we moved in. It took about a year and a half before we redid it because it wasn’t as important to me, and because it was going to challenge all of the home improvement skills I had. I was afraid and put it off as long as possible. In the end I did an OK job but even now after 6 years it’s still not completely finished. That bugs her a lot. I haven’t finished it because I need to have someone else come in and finish off some bad joints in the ceiling drywall. All it takes is a little money. I’m going to get that done this year and then we can truly call it finished. There are other examples too, but it always seems like I get around to it when I finally can’t take the nagging any more. To her it’s not because I love her, but because she had to keep telling me to do it, not because I actually wanted to do it for her.


And then there were my expectations of her:
(In order of importance to me)

She expresses her love both by word and deed

She helps me attain my spiritual needs
She prepares nutritious meals and serves them in a pleasant atmosphere and surroundings
She has high self esteem

She helps me attain sexual satisfaction in our relationship
She is independent in additions to growing with me
She does not worry excessively

She is aware that her appearance and physical fitness affect how I feel toward her
She has a sense of humor
She is patient with me and does not nag or complain excessively
She strives for intellectual growth and keeps herself informed about current events

She supports me in my endeavors both at home and at work

She allows me time for me to be alone, when necessary

She communicates effectively both by listening and speaking

She keeps our home reasonably clean and free from excessive clutter

I’m not going to attempt to grade her on these right now. She does very well on most of them and does them because she loves me and cares about our family. I usually don’t have to ask her to do anything because she has already thought of it. She is great at running a house but we still have problems getting along sometimes because I don’t put in the necessary effort to make it work. When she is watching TV she is usually cutting out and organizing coupons, going through the grocery ads looking for deals on food and then creating a shopping list to see how we can eat less expensively. She is my coupon queen. I’ll write more about that at another time.

Last night was a bit of a revelation to me on what her expectations are of me. I will review this often to see how I can do better and ask for her opinion on how I can better meet her needs and expectations.