Have you ever seen the movie "Pride and Prejudice"?. I mean the A & E version with Collin Firth? If you have then you might be able to relate to what I'm going to write about. For years I have thought that I came from a very good, very normal family. I thought that my wife came from a very dis-functional family. It was very easy for me to lay the blame for all of our problems on her because of the way she was brought up i.e. an alcoholic mother who was also manic depressive and possibly bi-polar as well. Life was easier to manage thinking that she was the one with the problem and I was there to save her.
With the counseling sessions we've been going through and the books I've been reading I've come to realize that while there weren't a lot of "fights" in my family, we held a lot of things in and didn't talk about them with each other. It was easier to deal with them that way. I don't remember having any fights or major arguments with my parents, but I do remember a lot of guilt trips being laid on me when I didn't want to do what they wanted. Don't get me wrong, I wanted to do a lot of the things they suggested anyway. I was very active in church, active in school and had several friends. I was a bit shy around people I didn't know but was able to make friends quickly. I had a bit of an acne problem in high school. My younger sister used to call me "popazit". My older brother had it worse than me. I thought I would never get over it. But I eventually did. Anyway, back to my story.
I thought that the way we dealt with things was normal as it avoided contention in our home. What it really did was stifle any real emotions we might have had. I developed a "Mr. Spock" attitude. Nothing bothered me and nothing could hurt me if I didn't show any emotions. While I was dating my future wife I wasn't like that. I was happy. I felt free to express who I really was. We had fun together, fell in love and eventually got married. What I didn't realize that I was bringing all this baggage with me. I kept things in and didn't share the things that were bothering me, because I still felt like if I didn't rock the boat it wouldn't tip over.
We had some very rough sailing for a long time, and still go through a lot of rough waters. I'm learning to share a bit more. I still don't like conflict but realize that there will be some from time to time. If there isn't any conflict there isn't much communication. People always have different ideas and ways of thinking. While there isn't always just one right answer, my answer isn't always the best one and I have to be able to accept that sometimes. Just because things don't always go my way doesn't mean I have lost the argument. I have come to find out that my wife has some good ideas too, and most of the time her way works out better than mine.
So how does this relate to Pride and Prejudice? I think that over the years I felt proud of myself for not stooping down to the level of being angry all the time. My way was superior and that made me better than my wife. I was unwilling to accept the premise that I might be wrong. Because of that I have missed out on so many great moments in our life. I have hurt her in ways I can't even imagine because of my insensitivity and neglect. I haven't been there for her or let her explore the things she really wants to do. My pride wouldn't let me admit I was wrong.
However, like Mr. Darcy in the movie, I am coming around. It is going to take some time but I want to win her love again, to have her trust me and want to be with me. My hope is that by reading the books and applying the principles I find in there that we can have the happy marriage that we've always dreamed of having and that we can both find fulfillment in each other.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Thursday, March 10, 2011
I Just Don't Understand Sometimes
This is going to be a little hard to explain but let me try. My wife and I are part of a community chorus, or at least we were, she was, or maybe it's just me now. She, along with several other members, got upset a couple of weeks ago when our conductor made some rude comments about our entire chorus, to us, during one of our last rehearsals. They were definitely uncalled for and made several of the older members uncomfortable and convinced a couple of the newer members to leave. My wife vowed that unless he came to her personally and apologized she would never go back to that chorus. We're pretty sure he will never do that so they have lost a very good singer.
While I was offended at his comments I was intent on going back because I have friends in the chorus and we had worked hard on these particular pieces of music and I wanted to follow through. Last week we had our final dress rehearsals before the performance and I missed the first one. During that rehearsal our conductor kind of apologized for his comments of the week before, but I wasn't there because my wife was upset that night and while I wanted to go, I ended up staying home with her, talking with her, and trying to be supportive.
I've been reading in a book by Gary Smalley, "If Only He Knew", and there was a part in there about being supportive of your wife, especially when she's hurting, and giving up some of the things you would rather do and spend time with her. I really wanted to go to the rehearsal, but decided to stay home. I did go to the final rehearsal two days later and performed with the group the following two evenings. We still managed to spend a little time together on Saturday.
Now I did something during that time that she didn't like. I received a phone call on that Thursday asking if I would come and help set up the risers for the rehearsal and the concert, and to be there around 5:30 p.m. Knowing that my wife was going grocery shopping right after work I figured that wouldn't be such a big deal. I heard about it a few days later as she was bringing up things that I had done wrong lately. Sometimes it seems like that list goes on and on. I was home around 6 p.m. and didn't see a problem with it. Bear with me because maybe you'll see a pattern it what I do.
A couple of weeks earlier I was asked by someone at church to help her boys understand the process of filling out the Eagle Scout Application for their rank advancement. It's not something that's hard but these boys need some help. I figured it would take about a half an hour on a Wednesday night before their troop meeting and I would be home shortly after that. I didn't consult with my wife to ask her if it would mess up her plans or not.
A couple of months ago I was asked by someone at church to help out with a dinner that we are going to be having this weekend. I asked about the time commitment and he said it would mainly be one committee meeting and then help set up for the event. OK, that won't take much time so I said I would do it. I didn't consult with my wife to ask her if it would mess up her plans or not.
Perhaps now you see where this is going. Here's what I don't understand. Why do I have to get her approval or permission whenever I'm asked to do something for someone else? The other night when we were arguing about this I said, "So basically what you're saying is that I need to ask your permission before I volunteer to help anybody?" She said, "Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying".
A little background might come in handy about now. I have a job where I am at work during the day, and am required to be at work on Monday nights, Saturday mornings, and then I also set appointments for Wednesday and Thursday evenings when possible, have an early morning networking group I meet with twice a month, and the chorus every Tuesday night. During those evenings and weekends when she's home alone she gets lonely. Because we don't have a lot of money right now she also feels she can't do the things she wants to do. And by the way, she works full time at an accounting office and right now is tax time. She's working 6 days a week right now, on up through April 15th. She has had to work most of the time we've been married. She doesn't want to work and has said on multiple occasions (almost daily) that she just can't take it any more. I understand her needs and desires to get our of work. I am supposed to be the provider in our home and I haven't done a very good job so far. I have been so caught up in my life that I often don't have as much, or any time, for anything else in my life, even though I feel like I'm doing all I can for my wife too.
So back to my lack of understanding. I feel that if I have to run everything by my wife before I can commit to anything that I'm giving up a big part of myself. I enjoy helping other people. I enjoy doing things. When I'm home I'm looking for things to do. As much as she would tell you differently I don't want to sit in front of the TV all day. I want to be active. I want to be with people. She says that I do this stuff to be seen as the good guy by other people and that I'm just like my father. He enjoyed helping other people and so do I. However, she thinks that I do it at the expense of not doing things for my own family, that we take second, or even third place. There are things that I haven't gotten done at our house yet, but that's because those things cost money and take more careful planning. I am working on getting those things done soon.
She has been so tired and depressed all she does when she comes home is go to bed after dinner or watch TV. Yes, she makes dinner, and some of the laundry, but I have also taken on a lot of those tasks. I clean the house, do the laundry, and help out with a variety of other tasks. But she doesn't see it, most of the time.
As I'm writing this I'm beginning to see where she's coming from. She feels like I don't recognize the things she does either, and she wants to be valued as a person. She wants me to spend time with her but she is angry and doesn't want to show affection and those feelings are in conflict with one another.
I am working on just listening to her and trying to respond to her needs, not to give advice, but to listen and to try and understand. I know it's going to take some time. Pardon my rambling but sometimes I have to do this to help me get my thoughts together.
While I was offended at his comments I was intent on going back because I have friends in the chorus and we had worked hard on these particular pieces of music and I wanted to follow through. Last week we had our final dress rehearsals before the performance and I missed the first one. During that rehearsal our conductor kind of apologized for his comments of the week before, but I wasn't there because my wife was upset that night and while I wanted to go, I ended up staying home with her, talking with her, and trying to be supportive.
I've been reading in a book by Gary Smalley, "If Only He Knew", and there was a part in there about being supportive of your wife, especially when she's hurting, and giving up some of the things you would rather do and spend time with her. I really wanted to go to the rehearsal, but decided to stay home. I did go to the final rehearsal two days later and performed with the group the following two evenings. We still managed to spend a little time together on Saturday.
Now I did something during that time that she didn't like. I received a phone call on that Thursday asking if I would come and help set up the risers for the rehearsal and the concert, and to be there around 5:30 p.m. Knowing that my wife was going grocery shopping right after work I figured that wouldn't be such a big deal. I heard about it a few days later as she was bringing up things that I had done wrong lately. Sometimes it seems like that list goes on and on. I was home around 6 p.m. and didn't see a problem with it. Bear with me because maybe you'll see a pattern it what I do.
A couple of weeks earlier I was asked by someone at church to help her boys understand the process of filling out the Eagle Scout Application for their rank advancement. It's not something that's hard but these boys need some help. I figured it would take about a half an hour on a Wednesday night before their troop meeting and I would be home shortly after that. I didn't consult with my wife to ask her if it would mess up her plans or not.
A couple of months ago I was asked by someone at church to help out with a dinner that we are going to be having this weekend. I asked about the time commitment and he said it would mainly be one committee meeting and then help set up for the event. OK, that won't take much time so I said I would do it. I didn't consult with my wife to ask her if it would mess up her plans or not.
Perhaps now you see where this is going. Here's what I don't understand. Why do I have to get her approval or permission whenever I'm asked to do something for someone else? The other night when we were arguing about this I said, "So basically what you're saying is that I need to ask your permission before I volunteer to help anybody?" She said, "Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying".
A little background might come in handy about now. I have a job where I am at work during the day, and am required to be at work on Monday nights, Saturday mornings, and then I also set appointments for Wednesday and Thursday evenings when possible, have an early morning networking group I meet with twice a month, and the chorus every Tuesday night. During those evenings and weekends when she's home alone she gets lonely. Because we don't have a lot of money right now she also feels she can't do the things she wants to do. And by the way, she works full time at an accounting office and right now is tax time. She's working 6 days a week right now, on up through April 15th. She has had to work most of the time we've been married. She doesn't want to work and has said on multiple occasions (almost daily) that she just can't take it any more. I understand her needs and desires to get our of work. I am supposed to be the provider in our home and I haven't done a very good job so far. I have been so caught up in my life that I often don't have as much, or any time, for anything else in my life, even though I feel like I'm doing all I can for my wife too.
So back to my lack of understanding. I feel that if I have to run everything by my wife before I can commit to anything that I'm giving up a big part of myself. I enjoy helping other people. I enjoy doing things. When I'm home I'm looking for things to do. As much as she would tell you differently I don't want to sit in front of the TV all day. I want to be active. I want to be with people. She says that I do this stuff to be seen as the good guy by other people and that I'm just like my father. He enjoyed helping other people and so do I. However, she thinks that I do it at the expense of not doing things for my own family, that we take second, or even third place. There are things that I haven't gotten done at our house yet, but that's because those things cost money and take more careful planning. I am working on getting those things done soon.
She has been so tired and depressed all she does when she comes home is go to bed after dinner or watch TV. Yes, she makes dinner, and some of the laundry, but I have also taken on a lot of those tasks. I clean the house, do the laundry, and help out with a variety of other tasks. But she doesn't see it, most of the time.
As I'm writing this I'm beginning to see where she's coming from. She feels like I don't recognize the things she does either, and she wants to be valued as a person. She wants me to spend time with her but she is angry and doesn't want to show affection and those feelings are in conflict with one another.
I am working on just listening to her and trying to respond to her needs, not to give advice, but to listen and to try and understand. I know it's going to take some time. Pardon my rambling but sometimes I have to do this to help me get my thoughts together.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Expectations
During our counseling session last week we were given some homework. We were given a list of expectations that we have of our spouse and asked to rank them in order of their importance to us. Last night we sat down and went through the list and compared them to each other and then talked about it for a while. Keep in mind these are what we feel are important, not necessarily what we are doing right now. The task is to review this often and try to meet those expectations of our spouse. Here are our results:
Her Expectations of Me
(In order of importance to her)
He communicates effectively with me by both talking and listening
He completes tasks he starts or agrees to do
He shows the same kind of personal interest in me as when we were dating
He helps me attain my spiritual needs
He helps me attain sexual satisfaction in our relationship
He often spends time alone with me without interruptions or distractions.
He expresses affection by touch without sexual overtones
He encourages rather than discourages my individual endeavors
He periodically fixes dinner or dines out with me to give me a break from domestic routines
He is concerned about my changing intellectual, emotional, social and physical needs
He comes home at the time indicated or notifies me well in advance
He gives genuine help around the house without being asked and without complaining (Keeps the yard looking nice)
He puts away his own things without expecting me to pick up after him
He brings me unexpected gifts, flowers or cards and sometimes writes a note attached to the gift
He understands how new clothes and physical appearance affect my self-esteem
He frequently compliments me
He has concern and interest in my day and activities
I haven’t asked her to grade me on my performance in each of these areas but I think it would be pretty low. I always thought of myself as a pretty easy going guy. Nothing seems to bother me so much that I would get out and do something about it until it really started bugging me. That’s part of my problem. In spite of what I think I’m doing well it’s usually not taking into account how she feels about it.
Now obviously there are always exceptions. For instance, when we bought our present house Karen wanted to get the kitchen redone, even before we moved in. It took about a year and a half before we redid it because it wasn’t as important to me, and because it was going to challenge all of the home improvement skills I had. I was afraid and put it off as long as possible. In the end I did an OK job but even now after 6 years it’s still not completely finished. That bugs her a lot. I haven’t finished it because I need to have someone else come in and finish off some bad joints in the ceiling drywall. All it takes is a little money. I’m going to get that done this year and then we can truly call it finished. There are other examples too, but it always seems like I get around to it when I finally can’t take the nagging any more. To her it’s not because I love her, but because she had to keep telling me to do it, not because I actually wanted to do it for her.
And then there were my expectations of her:
(In order of importance to me)
She expresses her love both by word and deed
She helps me attain my spiritual needs
She prepares nutritious meals and serves them in a pleasant atmosphere and surroundings
She has high self esteem
She helps me attain sexual satisfaction in our relationship
She is independent in additions to growing with me
She does not worry excessively
She is aware that her appearance and physical fitness affect how I feel toward her
She has a sense of humor
She is patient with me and does not nag or complain excessively
She strives for intellectual growth and keeps herself informed about current events
She supports me in my endeavors both at home and at work
She allows me time for me to be alone, when necessary
She communicates effectively both by listening and speaking
She keeps our home reasonably clean and free from excessive clutter
I’m not going to attempt to grade her on these right now. She does very well on most of them and does them because she loves me and cares about our family. I usually don’t have to ask her to do anything because she has already thought of it. She is great at running a house but we still have problems getting along sometimes because I don’t put in the necessary effort to make it work. When she is watching TV she is usually cutting out and organizing coupons, going through the grocery ads looking for deals on food and then creating a shopping list to see how we can eat less expensively. She is my coupon queen. I’ll write more about that at another time.
Last night was a bit of a revelation to me on what her expectations are of me. I will review this often to see how I can do better and ask for her opinion on how I can better meet her needs and expectations.
Her Expectations of Me
(In order of importance to her)
He communicates effectively with me by both talking and listening
He completes tasks he starts or agrees to do
He shows the same kind of personal interest in me as when we were dating
He helps me attain my spiritual needs
He helps me attain sexual satisfaction in our relationship
He often spends time alone with me without interruptions or distractions.
He expresses affection by touch without sexual overtones
He encourages rather than discourages my individual endeavors
He periodically fixes dinner or dines out with me to give me a break from domestic routines
He is concerned about my changing intellectual, emotional, social and physical needs
He comes home at the time indicated or notifies me well in advance
He gives genuine help around the house without being asked and without complaining (Keeps the yard looking nice)
He puts away his own things without expecting me to pick up after him
He brings me unexpected gifts, flowers or cards and sometimes writes a note attached to the gift
He understands how new clothes and physical appearance affect my self-esteem
He frequently compliments me
He has concern and interest in my day and activities
I haven’t asked her to grade me on my performance in each of these areas but I think it would be pretty low. I always thought of myself as a pretty easy going guy. Nothing seems to bother me so much that I would get out and do something about it until it really started bugging me. That’s part of my problem. In spite of what I think I’m doing well it’s usually not taking into account how she feels about it.
Now obviously there are always exceptions. For instance, when we bought our present house Karen wanted to get the kitchen redone, even before we moved in. It took about a year and a half before we redid it because it wasn’t as important to me, and because it was going to challenge all of the home improvement skills I had. I was afraid and put it off as long as possible. In the end I did an OK job but even now after 6 years it’s still not completely finished. That bugs her a lot. I haven’t finished it because I need to have someone else come in and finish off some bad joints in the ceiling drywall. All it takes is a little money. I’m going to get that done this year and then we can truly call it finished. There are other examples too, but it always seems like I get around to it when I finally can’t take the nagging any more. To her it’s not because I love her, but because she had to keep telling me to do it, not because I actually wanted to do it for her.
And then there were my expectations of her:
(In order of importance to me)
She expresses her love both by word and deed
She helps me attain my spiritual needs
She prepares nutritious meals and serves them in a pleasant atmosphere and surroundings
She has high self esteem
She helps me attain sexual satisfaction in our relationship
She is independent in additions to growing with me
She does not worry excessively
She is aware that her appearance and physical fitness affect how I feel toward her
She has a sense of humor
She is patient with me and does not nag or complain excessively
She strives for intellectual growth and keeps herself informed about current events
She supports me in my endeavors both at home and at work
She allows me time for me to be alone, when necessary
She communicates effectively both by listening and speaking
She keeps our home reasonably clean and free from excessive clutter
I’m not going to attempt to grade her on these right now. She does very well on most of them and does them because she loves me and cares about our family. I usually don’t have to ask her to do anything because she has already thought of it. She is great at running a house but we still have problems getting along sometimes because I don’t put in the necessary effort to make it work. When she is watching TV she is usually cutting out and organizing coupons, going through the grocery ads looking for deals on food and then creating a shopping list to see how we can eat less expensively. She is my coupon queen. I’ll write more about that at another time.
Last night was a bit of a revelation to me on what her expectations are of me. I will review this often to see how I can do better and ask for her opinion on how I can better meet her needs and expectations.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Self Discovery
This blog is for me. I am writing it mainly for me as a way to help me understand myself and to help repair the most important relationships I have, the ones with my wife and my Heavenly Father.
Today is March 4, 2011. I am 51 years old and have been married for almost 28 years. I have been lucky to have been married this long. There have been several times when our marriage almost ended in divorce. I was convinced that the problems were mostly her fault. I went to the counselors and so did she. I admitted I had some problems but I didn't think they were very big. Don't get me wrong. I don't physically or verbally abuse my wife. I love her very much. I just didn't realize that by my inactions, neglect and words I was hurting her even more.
My wife is actually a pretty nice person most of the time, except when she gets really angry, which is almost all of the time now. It didn't used to be that way. It's not the way I grew up so when it first started happening I didn't know how to deal with it. My philosophy has always been that if you have a problem, you deal with it, and then you get over it. It's done. You don't have to worry about it any more. Unfortunately, that's not how it works in marriage. It's never done, at least in my marriage. Things I said years ago have come back to haunt me when we have another argument.
Let me describe my wife. She is 49 years old, from upstate New York. She is a beautiful blue-eyed, redhead, slim, loves to cook and has a dream of being a pastry chef, although she would like to work on her terms, not for someone else. She is currently working for a CPA and it's tax season. Things are very busy and she gets extremely frustrated with things at work. She is working 6 days a week and it's taking its toll on her.
I am currently working as a financial advisor. I started three years ago and it has been a struggle to build up my practice from nothing. Where I work they don't give you many leads and you pay for everything. It's hard to get started. The goal is to be making enough money to support my family within 5 years of starting and have my wife quit her job without feeling the guilt that goes along with no longer bringing money into the house. She doesn't want to be the breadwinner and neither do I, except she doesn't believe it because it hasn't happened yet and it's taking longer that it should. I know it will happen but it's frustrating because I have no emotional support from my wife. She doesn't understand that there are bad days and there are good days. I have had more bad days than good days and there are days when I kick myself for starting in this career. She hasn't wanted me to do this from the beginning but I don't see any other way for us to be able to retire. Maybe I'll die first so I never have to retire.
This blog is going to be my way of discovering who I am really am and what I can do better. My wife and I are currently going through therapy. At our session this past week I came to realize that perhaps it really is my fault. I'll try to explain it so that I can understand it better myself.
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